Unpredictable Emotions

As I spoke with my friend yesterday who had lost her nephew only hours earlier, she made a comment that she said her brother (the father of the young man who died) had made to her when they talked. She said, "I'm having a strong moment right now." Those words reflect the strange place in which you are suspended in the aftermath of a traumatic experience. There seems to be a near "out of body" feeling where you are standing outside yourself and observing that you are doing well. It seems out of body because you know in your head that you should be in a puddle on the ground given the circumstances. Yet, somehow, during these early days, we find that we are held together or held up at times by a force beyond ourselves. The reality is that we can swing from a strong moment to a total melt down within seconds. Suddenly, some new thought enters our minds like, "Oh my gosh, he won't be there at Christmas!" or "I'll never get to see him get married!" and we fall to pieces.

Varying emotions are to be expected. A numbness sets in that allows you to function on auto pilot for awhile, but even that numbness can only last so long. Each time the reality of what has happened hits you afresh, you might find yourself gasping audibly then crying uncontrollably. This kind of thing might go on for months. Even now, as I stand 2 years and 2 months after the death of Jacob, I still have moments that take my breath away because of the intensity of my inner response. Just last week I was in Target and happened to be within earshot of a display that was playing Christmas music. A song came on that Jacob used to love (and probably still does), making me fully aware of the fact that we are having to do Christmas without him again. Tears began to fill my eyes and I had to walk away from the music, the very music that used to fill me with pure joy.

Anger is a very real part of the range of emotions that might be experienced. For some, anger is an early response, for others it might not come until later. That anger might be toward the one who died, especially if the death was the result of suicide, risky behavior or a failure to live a healthier lifestyle. When death is the result of someone else's actions such as murder or drunk driving, the anger is naturally directed toward the perpetrator. Sometimes the anger is toward God or the universe for even allowing such a thing as death to occur.

To those around the grieving person, please refrain from judging the anger. It may seem irrational, but it is real, and the quicker it can be released, the better. Anger is poison to the soul. If it is forced to stay inside, it will only corrupt more of what's inside and grow. Providing a safe place for someone to release their anger is helpful. Remember, it doesn't have to make sense to you, so please don't say to the one who is grieving, "You shouldn't feel that way!" or "Stop talking like that!" Those words will only make the anger worse. Anger that is released is more likely to be diffused.

The first morning after Jacob's death, I remember being mad at the sun. How dare it come up and look so beautiful when my son was dead!! Don't the darn birds know there is nothing to be singing about now that Jacob has died? Is that rational? No, but it was how I felt. Even in the first few minutes, I was angry at the officer who told us Jacob was dead and the nurse who said Jacob had been dead too long to donate his organs. There was also the need to deal with my anger toward God for even allowing such a thing to happen to my son. Many times I cried out to God. I kicked and screamed and pounded on His chest by pounding on the bed. Every time I wrestled with God, the match would end peacefully. God would speak to my soul and comfort me. He would remind me of how much He loves Jacob, even MORE than I do. He would assure me that Jacob was right there with Him, forever safe where there was no more suffering. I could sense Him wrapping His arms around me and holding me, and my spirit was calm once more.

Our emotions are part of who we are, and we should respect them by giving them a safe place to be released. That might mean getting all alone and screaming at the top of your lungs. It might mean talking to a close friend who is not afraid to be there when you cry. Writing your thoughts down on paper might be helpful, even if it means writing so hard it tears the paper. In fact, that might be the most helpful way. Then, you might follow it up with tearing the paper to shreds. Maybe a good workout (think punching bag here) or a long walk or run would help. To be most effective, each of these physical activities should be done in conjunction with an emotional release like crying or yelling, so be mindful of where you are doing this. Please be responsible at the same time. Don't hurt the ones around you by directing your emotions at them, even if they were somewhat at fault. They are probably beating themselves up pretty badly as it is. Anger directed at people will only destroy relationships and create bitterness. Yes, release the anger, but in safe ways for yourself and the people around you.

Here are a couple of places I just found after doing a quick search on healthy ways to release anger: http://www.soundfeelings.com/free/anger.htm You'll have to scroll down the page to get past the ads before you find the helpful tips. http://tinyurl.com/5ez8bv and http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html offer helpful advice.