Grief and the Holidays

The holiday season is here, and along with it comes the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow. Before losing my son, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the most wonderful holidays, closely followed by the excitement and hope of a new year. The traditions brought joy and comfort along with warm memories. The music alone could take me to a magical place in my mind and spirit. No time of year was ever more filled with anticipation and joy than the holiday season.

All of that changed drastically in the fall of 2006, when my one and only son died as a result of a car accident. For someone who has recently experienced the death of a dearly loved one or has suffered a great loss of some sort (the loss of a job or the end of a relationship), the holidays quickly become a time of year that is filled with great pain and sorrow. The fact that so many others are reveling in the excitement of the holidays only exacerbates the misery of those who are grieving. Those first trips to stores filled with holiday decorations hurt so much because they serve as reminders of all that you no longer have.

Two of my worst experiences with this took place at a Hallmark store. The first was while I was standing in line to check out. First, a song began playing that was a favorite for our family during the holidays. I could feel my heart quicken and my breathing changed. Emotions and memories began swirling around inside of me. Then a woman in line for the other cash register began talking to the cashier about her adult daughter's very serious car accident. She described what happened to the vehicle and the injuries her daughter sustained. I felt deep compassion for this woman, but I wanted her to stop talking. She appeared to be well-equipped to help her daughter through her healing process which made me thankful, but the bluntness of her description was too much. Deep inside of me were screams: "Stop telling the details!" "I've got to get out of here!" "Be quiet, lady!" "Why do I have to be listening to this?" "Why must you tell this story out loud for everyone to hear?" "My son died! I can't hear about your daughter who survived!" My thoughts were selfish and unfair because this woman was grieving too, but I simply could not bear to hear anymore.

The second experience involved an employee who was on the phone with her child. In full volume, she was berating another one of her children for not cleaning up the house. She was telling one child to relay threatening statements to the other child. "You better tell her that if she doesn't get that stuff picked up, she is gonna get it from me when I get home. She can kiss the car goodbye! I can't stand her and her attitude!" (I wonder where the daughter got it from?) My stomach began churning as I heard this conversation play out. The irony of it all? I was at the store to buy cards for three other parents who had also lost children. The desire within me to go up and give this woman a piece of my mind was so strong I began trembling. Once again I found myself screaming inside, "Don't you know how blessed you are to have your child? What if something happened to your child, and those were the last words she heard from you? Who gives a ____ about the condition of your house! Your child and the relationship you have with your child are FAR more important than the appearance of your house!"

Holidays are a time when relationships, especially close family relationships, become a central focus. After all, it is with our family that we celebrate most of these holidays. For the one who is now without a beloved family member or significant other, the loss is magnified. The hole left be the absence of a loved one becomes so huge during the holidays, it can engulf the one who is grieving. The hole becomes an emotional blackhole that sucks away all hope and joy. Only someone who has been through this experience can begin to grasp the depth and reality of this painful time.

The holidays become something very different in the shadow of a significant loss. If you are the one who has experienced the loss, don't expect much of yourself. Don't worry about trying to be your same old self for everyone else. Granted, they won't like that you are not yourself, but whether or not you are causing them discomfort doesn't need to be your concern. Now is the time to take care of YOU! It's OK to be a little selfish as you cope with the pain.

If you are a person who is going to be spending time with the one who is grieving deeply, be patient. This is all new territory for that person. DO allow them to grieve however necessary. DON'T tell them not to cry. Crying is important and helpful. It releases toxins and stress. DO be willing to talk about the one who has died if the grieving person needs to do that. DON'T avoid the topic!! Ask the person if they want to talk or not. Maybe it makes you a bit uncomfortable to talk about the person who died and you don't like to see the other person crying, but so what. Right now, it is NOT about you. It is about the one who is experiencing fresh and intense grief.

Some other ways people can help is offer to do some gift shopping for the one who is grieving, or offer to take the person with you. Just be ready to leave the store quickly if the person becomes overwhelmed. DON'T suggest to keep going because you think it will be better for them. Remember, this isn't about YOU. Perhaps a group of people can offer to decorate the home for the holidays, but realize that the old familiar decorations might be too painful for them to see right now. You could offer to get a few simple decorations that are new to them--either some that you or other friends aren't using this year or new ones from the store.

To help yourself get through this time, or to help someone you care about make it through, I will reference some sources of help that I mentioned in the last blog and add some new ones. A repeat from the earlier blog are: http://tinyurl.com/5u3xxy, http://tinyurl.com/6cwsz7, and http://tinyurl.com/5k9ssd. You will want to check these out to see specifically how they apply since some are better suited to those who've lost children or who are of the Christian faith.

Here are some others: http://tinyurl.com/6a4ya8 is a wonderful site for those who are experiencing grief due to a suicide. This site was started by a mother of a young man who committed suicide in his 20's. http://tinyurl.com/64mdfb is a website that deals with a variety of losses. The website is currently undergoing some changes, but you can still find most of the information that would be helpful. http://www.hygeiafoundation.org/, is geared toward people who have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. http://goodgrief.org/, the website for The Shiva Foundation also offers a variety of practical advice for those who are grieving. Remember, however that you don't have to be the one grieving to gain something from these sites. They shed tremendous light on the subject of grief for those who desire to help others who are grieving. If that's you, bless you! This world needs more people like you who want to help, even if it means you will hurt more too. We are called to carry one another's burdens, so let's do that.