A Funeral & Some Good Advice For Holiday Parties

Today I went to a funeral. As far as funerals go, this was a really nice one. Of course there were tears, but there was laughter and amazing music. My friend, Jo Dean, died this past Sunday, November 30, 2008. She had been duking it out with breast cancer for roughly 14 years. Cancer won the final match. Dang it all!!!! Actually, Jo Dean won. She's now in Heaven dancing with Jesus, not to mention Jacob. The rest of us? We are stuck here trying to make sense of a world that makes very little sense at all.

Jo Dean's voice that now is harmonizing with the angels, was lovely. She sang in the choir every Sunday that she could. In fact, the last time I saw her was 2 1/2 weeks ago, and she was sitting in the choir loft at church with her ever-present, beautiful smile. Each Christmas season, Jo Dean would sing in the local production of Handel's Messiah. Nearly 100 people from the various churches throughout our community would join together for this wonderful performance. This year, Jo Dean won't be there, but the choir came to her funeral and sang a number of the songs for the service, including the Hallelujah Chorus. When they started rocking and clapping to "Soon and Very Soon," I was nearly busting at the seams with joy. Jo Dean has seen the King!

Because I was attending Jo Dean's funeral, I missed the Christmas party for my weekly Grief Share group. This afternoon, one of my friends who also attends the group called and told me how great the party went. Wish I could have been there, but there was no way I was going to miss Jo Dean's funeral.

My friend shared with me some of the very practical advice that she got from the meeting today. Most of it came from a video that was produced specifically for grief during the holidays. I certainly don't want to steal their material, so I am first going to tell you where you can find some of the info from the DVD and the group that puts it out. http://griefshare.org/holidays/

What about those holiday party invitations? The last thing you need is to stress yourself out with social engagements or commitments, so what should you do? The advice given was to go through with the RSVP and thank the host for thinking of you and inviting you. Let the person know that you would like to attend, but ask if it would be okay to back out if you simply find yourself not up to it that particular day or evening. Most hosts will understand and graciously give you the option to not show if it's just too hard. When you RSVP, be sure to encourage the host to continue to include you in the social activities, but explain that it might be awhile before you are able to resume your social outings. Clearly state that even if you have to say no to the invites for several months or longer, that you still need that connection for when you really are ready to engage in that aspect of life again. Sometimes people stop inviting you because they don't want to pressure you, but if you ask them to still include you, then they know it's okay to be persistent.

With all that said, be honest with yourself when it comes to these holiday parties. Don't go and try to pretend to be happy when you are not. Being forced to put on the mask is no help at all, unless it helps you to get out and be with other people. For me, I felt miserable inside when my husband and I attended the first Christmas party roughly 10 weeks after Jacob's death. Yet it was good for me to get out and be with other people. I needed to be forced into social settings now and then. The smiles and laughter from me were genuine for the most part, and people knew to be sensitive. I didn't force myself upon anyone and make others feel uncomfortable (or at least I hope I didn't). You quickly learn the people who are at ease with those who are grieving and those who are not. Just stick with the ones who can handle being near your grief. The others will probably run away before you can get to them anyway.

Try not to resent the ones who just can't help you during the deepest part of your grief. They simply don't know what to say or how to act. I certainly had no clue what to say or do before I had gone through all of this, but even now I find myself ill-equipped at times. Just today, I found myself unable to say anything to Jo Dean's daughters. I didn't know them at all because they were grown and gone before I ever even knew Jo Dean. Nothing I could think of at the time seemed right. I ended up sitting down and writing something to them after the funeral instead.