Have A Plan

Whenever we have lost someone significant in life, there are going to be certain dates that are going to be difficult to face. Birthdays, anniversaries (wedding or the day of death), holidays, etc. As those dates approach, we need to begin developing a plan for the day. That doesn't mean fill the day with all kinds of activities to keep our minds off the ones we have lost. It means have a plan for how we will spend that day to avoid getting swallowed up by grief and sorrow. Those days are going to be difficult, to be sure, but we can arrange each of those days in such a way as to make it possible to survive and get through to day after.

Perhaps the worst thing we can do is allow a special day to descend upon us without any plan at all. That's when we will find ourselves sitting in a chair all day long just crying. Maybe that works for a few individuals, but most of us would find ourselves consumed by the weight of such grief and sink deeper into depression. It is important for us to be proactive and keep ourselves out of the pit of despair, if we can.

What does a plan look like? It could be as detailed as an hour by hour list of what we will do for the day, or as general as a few basic goals for what we would like to accomplish that day in relation to the one we have lost. For instance, I might decide that I want to buy special flowers to take to the cemetery, write a letter to the one I have lost, and go for a walk in one of our favorite places. That is a very basic plan with no time frames as to when my activities will be done. I might get more detailed by deciding that I want to spend time writing in my journal early in the morning, followed by a long walk. In the afternoon I might set aside time to look at old photos with friends or family agreeing ahead of time that I need to have the freedom to cry, if necessary (and probably likely).

Our plans don't need to be rigid or lengthy and detailed, but having a plan of some sort is essential. If the thought of making a plan is too overwhelming, we should find others who can help us. We don't need to be afraid or ashamed to ask for help if we need it. Some people will be thrilled to help because they know they want to help but don't know what to do.

A few of our friends organized a gathering at the beach on Jacob's birthday. They knew Jacob loved the beach, so they thought it was appropriate to meet there. Food was coordinated and brought. We didn't have to set up or clean up. Then we were surprised with a night at a condo on the beach. Michael and I only planned to visit the cemetery the morning of Jacob's birthday. Everything else was done for us. That was for the first birthday we faced which was 7 months after his death. For the 2nd birthday, it was completely up to us, but we were ready to make the plans by then. That time, we chose to drive to the accident site and plant flowers around the cross that marks the site. It took us nearly 10 hours in the car roundtrip. During the drive, we spoke of Jacob and some of our fondest memories of him. While we were planting flowers, a gentleman pulled up who was a first responder for Jacob's accident. We heard for the first time what our son's last moments of life were like from a person who was there. That was a gift from God. When we returned home that evening, we sang happy birthday, enjoyed Jacob's favorite birthday dessert, and our daughter opened up a gift my husband and I had bought for Jacob. As we sang happy birthday to Jacob, we were stopped by an unusual harmonic sound coming from one corner of the room. To this day, we don't know where that sound came from, but we considered it a parting of the veil that separates Heaven and Earth. We knew Jacob had come for his birthday party. I don't know what we will do for Jacob's next birthday on April 21, 2009, which will mark what would have been his 21st birthday. We still have four months to decide, but we will need to have a plan.

Having a plan is essential whether it is a birthday, holiday, or any special day, so begin your planning as soon as you can. Give yourself time and space to grieve, and surround yourself with people who will let you do whatever you need to do.