Maybe You Can Try Something New This Holiday Season

There is always the question that comes when special dates are approaching, "What do we do?" To ignore the date and let it pass can cause the one who is grieving to feel as though they have betrayed the loved one who is gone, and guilt will result, leading to a deeper grief. On the other hand, some might find it to painful to do any formal recognition of the date or event.

The holidays are different. Unlike a birthday or anniversary, the whole world knows when it is holiday time. The stores show signs of the approching holiday several weeks in advance. When it comes to tradition-filled holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas (if you celebrate either one), it is important to have a plan in mind for what you are going to do. Some people want to hold onto the traditions because doing so helps them feel close to the one who is gone. Getting out the decorations for the holidays might begin a sweet, heart-warming trip down memory lane. While a few tears might come during that process, it can still be a very positive experience.

Another option is to start some new traditions. If doing the same thing (but without the loved one) is not an option, then this might be the approach to use. This might mean gathering at a new location or doing different activities. It might even mean taking a trip somewhere, unlike any you have done before. If tradition will only cause pain, it is better to try a new routine.

Then there is always the option to skip the holidays all together. For some, going through the motions just to please everyone else is more than they can bear. It's kind of hard to pretend it's just another day when on Thanksgiving or Christmas all the stores and even most restaurants are closed. However, if going out is not necessary anyway, it's possible to creat a feeling of "just another day" inside one's own house. Maybe getting away on a cruise is the answer, but chances are they will be playing holiday music and have holiday-themed activities.

For us, doing something entirely different was the answer. The 2nd Christmas without Jacob, I was able to decorate, but most of the decorations were new ones. I still couldn't bring out the handmade crafts from when the kids were younger or the familiar ornaments. Rather than stay home or be with extended family. We headed south and stayed in a condo in Florida near the beach. It turned out great.

One family we know was given tickets to a cruise for their first Christmas after their son died. The mom and dad and five kids set sail. For the kids, it was a fun diversion, but for the mother, it was a nightmare. All she wanted to do was get off the stupid boat and have her son back. She was a prisoner at sea. But another couple we know who lost their only child, a daughter, went on a cruise for Christmas, and it was very helpful for them. Being in an entirely different place made it feel less like Christmas, which made it better.

We each have to try our own thing based on what we know about ourselves and our situation. The choice we make may not end up being the right one or the best one, but that's how we learn. Sometimes the "wrong" choice can be devastating, and we need to be prepared for that as well. Our first Christmas was disastrous, but the second one was far better. We are about to face our third Christmas without Jacob and we've opted to repeat what we did last year, but there is no guarantee that what worked well last year will work well this year.